CurvyGurl Chronicles

How Do You Define Exclusivity?

2010-09-07T10:58:00.002-04:00

Does being exclusive mean discontinuing established platonic relationships? Is it wise to cut others out of your world to pour time, energy and focus into one person? Or is it a recipe for failure? Have you ever taken this route only to discover your platonic friends provided you with a more fulfilling connection than your new significant other? Hmmm....

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

When Do Emotions Become TMI?

2010-08-26T11:56:00.002-04:00

Just wondering...

At what point, if ever, are you totally comfortable allowing the full expression of your emotions (the ups, downs and lulls) to flow when have "love" for a friend of the opposite sex but are not in a relationship? Does it depend on the person? Your own comfort level with expressing emotions? Do you refrain thinking it could tarnish the person's impression of you to expose the nitty gritty?

Talk to me....

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

...:: Monday Moxie ~ Finding Freedom In Loving ::...

2010-09-06T07:04:00.000-04:00

A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself - to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.

~ Leo Buscaglia

Why Can't We Be More Than Friends?

2010-09-04T08:07:00.000-04:00

Trey Songz - Can't Be Friends
Thanks to PinBoard!

Talk about a lyrical portrayal of many a failed love story. Seems there is no definite reason why transforming a friendship to an intimate level often winds up being intense and short-lived. A once cherished, admirable connection crumbles leaving one or both wishing it never happened. Life goes on, hearts heal and emotions cool down, but the residual confusion and disappointment remain.

I've experienced the "why not proceed?" stage with a couple of friends and decided it best to maintain our friendship rather than ruin a lifelong connection. This isn't a sly way to reject someone, nothing could be further from the truth. Honestly, this happened when I knew the affection and attraction I felt was strong and any speed bump would make me immediately retreat. I've pondered whether it's an excuse, protection mechanism, etc. but simply concluded it's just the opposite, to maintain a connection of importance to me. I tend to think women feel this way more often than men when mutual admiration is involved, perhaps they just conceal it better.

I'm not opposed to it because things work out when they're meant to be. Over the years I've gained a better grasp of what I need and want relationship-wise, not to mention what I'm willing to risk to obtain the reward, resulting in a source of clarity rather than a burden.

No doubt there are a myriad of reasons to leave a good, non-physical connection just the way it is, but have you ever taken the plunge to see what would result? Was it a positive experience (even it didn't last)? Would you do it again?

*~*~*

She done cut me off from a good good love
She told me that those days were gone
Now I'm sitting here going half crazy

I know she still thinks about me too
There ain’t no way in hell, that I can be just friends with you

I wish we never did it
I wish we never loved it
I wish I never felt so deep in love with you and now ain't no way we can be friends.

The way it felt, no faking it
Maybe we were moving just a little too fast

What we've done we can’t take it back
Now I’m sitting here half way crazy

Ain't no telling’ what we could have been,
Ain't telling what we could've been
If I knew it would end like this
I never would have kissed ya, 'cause I fell in love with ya
We never would've kicked it, 'cause now everything's different
I lost my only lover and my friend that's why I wished we never did it

...:: Monday Moxie ~ Reverse Psychology ::...

2010-08-30T07:22:00.000-04:00

Ask whether you can do something and your mind produces a list of pros and cons. Ask how you can do something and your mind comes up with all the ways to do it. Which is going to move you forward?

~ John Williams

...:: Monday Moxie ~ Consequences ::...

2010-08-23T07:02:00.003-04:00

We avoid the things that we're afraid of because we think there will be dire consequences if we confront them. But the truly dire consequences in our lives come from avoiding things that we need to learn about or discover.

~ Shakti Gawain

200 Posts & 7 Links

2010-08-15T23:12:00.001-04:00

Photo credit: Mike Licht

I thought Problogger's 7 Links challenge would be a good way to celebrate my 200th post. I never expected blogging to connect me with so many great people, many of you have given me insight and inspiration over the years and I'm very thankful and blessed!

1. Your first post
Why TCGC?
This makes me laugh because I didn't know what the heck to post but wanted to give this blogging thing a try. At the time I didn't fully understand the point of blogging and had all the typical questions and doubts a newbie has. Who will read it? What will I write about? And so on.

2. A post you enjoyed writing the most
Therapy's In Session ~ Why not me?
A brain dump on the attributes I think distinguishes me from the average chica.

3. A post which had a great discussion

Put a Ring on It, Dammit!
The title says it all.

4. A post on someone else’s blog that you wish you’d written

There have been quite a few, but it's actually the Sagacious Girl's vlogs that have been a source of wisdom, reflection and inspiration.I don't see me traveling the vlog route but you never know.

5. A post with a title that you are proud of
There's not one in particular, but I do find that I often have to remind myself to avoid having a hardened heart, and Unchain That Heart of Yours discusses examples of the numerous reasons why.

6. A post that you wish more people had read

Confessions of a Dreamgirl ~ Being True to Thyself

7. Your most visited post ever

I'm not 100% sure, but I think the most recent post with the most traffic was Why I’ve Chosen Not To Give A Damn About Interracial Relationships.

I have plenty to discuss and share in the year to come. I appreciate each of you!

The Waiting Room

2010-08-11T22:18:00.001-04:00

Photo credit: lambertwm

I’m amazed how downright stubborn I can be. At times this can be a challenge, but lately I’m finding it useful. Specifically when it involves what I desire for my life, how something aligns with my intentions and whether the risk is worth the reward. This doesn't diminish my capacity to be understanding, caring or loving. It actually serves a purpose, one that acts as a buffer for weeding out what's not in my best interest.

Hindsight can be a bitch especially when you realize there were times you overlooked the obvious in hopes of everything aligning perfectly and never even causing you to look back in the first place. My patience has been continually tested and my heart's empty light has been lit a fiery red for countless months, yet it just reinforces the fact that I’m resilient even when faced with less than ideal circumstances.

I’ve learned to do without love for so long that any inkling of less than one's full effort mixed with ambiguity is a quick left to an emotional pit stop. This isn't such a bad thing because it allows me to see the whole picture, but it can be draining and disappointing. Truth is, I’m too old to compromise on some things and if it means doing without for a little while longer then it's something I'll do.

..:: Monday Moxie ~ Living Out Loud ::..

2010-08-09T07:03:00.000-04:00

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy. How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that's never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels? We make tools for these kinds of people. While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

~ Steve Jobs

With This Ring I Thee....Buy Divorce Insurance?

2010-08-08T23:22:00.003-04:00

"Divorce Insurance protection can be purchased on behalf of other immediate family members (or employees) without any increase in cost."

Get outta here! Now, this is what I consider a good investment. I can think of a few couples who would've put me in a higher tax bracket had this been available a few years ago.

Seriously, undoubtedly there are quite a few reasons to insure against life's unexpected events. As much as we complain about the cost vs. benefit of other types of insurance, we know death is inevitable and maintaining good health is vital so these safeguards are no-brainers. However... I'm having a hard time thinking of a good reason any couple should start their happily ever after by running to buy divorce insurance as soon as the last meatball is served at the wedding reception. Seems like yet another way folks make millions off of pessimism, fear and insecurity.

I know people who've gone the quickie "leave with what you came with" route. The least messy of all, but usually the most amicable option.

And, the "I should've listened to my friends, they knew it wouldn't work, but let's drag this out because I hate your guts and you owe me!" route. Very messy indeed. This taught me there can be four (or more) sides to each divorce battle -- his, hers, the lover's and the ugly truth. These real-life dramas bring out the worst in people and open your eyes to a lot of unsavory things, such as deceit and character flaws. No one really wins, but they'll go to any length to try to.

We certainly can't leave out the "I want to be a millionaire, just without you" scenario where one party makes substantially more than the other and ends up fighting tooth and nail to keep what they entered the relationship with.

There's no doubt divorce can be extremely expensive, that's not why I'm leery. It's the thought that anyone who enters a marriage does so with anything less than the intent to be together until death that's a red flag to me. As one who sees the benefit of a prenup in some circumstances, maybe this insurance isn't such a crazy idea or that much different. Perhaps the argument for the "protection" of divorce insurance is pretty cut-and-dried, I just don't see it.

What does the fam think?

..:: Monday Moxie ~ Unconventional Growth ::..

2010-08-02T08:24:00.003-04:00

I ran across Bruce Mau's "Incomplete Manifesto for Growth" a while ago, but re-reading it was just as eye-opening as the first time. My top 5 faves are:

1. Allow events to change you.
You have to be willing to grow. Growth is different from something that happens to you. You produce it. You live it. The prerequisites for growth: the openness to experience events and the willingness to be changed by them.

4. Love your experiments (as you would an ugly child).
Joy is the engine of growth. Exploit the liberty in casting your work as beautiful experiments, iterations, attempts, trials, and errors. Take the long view and allow yourself the fun of failure every day.

8. Drift.
Allow yourself to wander aimlessly. Explore adjacencies. Lack judgment. Postpone criticism.

32. Listen carefully.
Every collaborator who enters our orbit brings with him or her a world more strange and complex than any we could ever hope to imagine. By listening to the details and the subtlety of their needs, desires, or ambitions, we fold their world onto our own. Neither party will ever be the same.

43. Power to the people.
Play can only happen when people feel they have control over their lives. We can't be free agents if we’re not free.

I highlighted points that I plan to embrace or focus on more. Take a few minutes to review the list. Does one resonate with you more than the others? What would you add to the list?

Lyrical Fire ~ Amorous ~ Jesse Boykins III

2010-07-31T06:31:00.000-04:00

"I am a reawakening of the Romantic Movement ; an observer of Love and the Power it holds. So when given the opportunity to document my priceless experiences and connect them with moments in melody I've captured, I am humbled. Amorous is my appreciation for the relationship and the magic it holds between two people. The essence of a bond and its affect on its environment for the better. Special thanks to London for its environment and the Lovers that shared their intimacy. The Beauty Created."

~ Jesse Boykins III

...:: Monday Moxie ~ The True Realm of Control ::...

2010-07-26T08:45:00.004-04:00

Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: some things are within our control and some things are not. It is only after you have faced up to this fundamental rule and learned to distinguish between what you can and cannot control that inner tranquility and outer effectiveness become possible. Remember too, that if you think you have free rein over things that are naturally beyond your control, or if you attempt to adopt the affairs of others as your own, your pursuits will be thwarted and you will become a frustrated, anxious and fault-finding person.

~ Epicetus

Lyrical Fire ~ Repercussions ~ Lauryn Hill

2010-07-25T08:54:00.000-04:00

I don't even know the lyrics yet, but couldn't wait (lol!). Undoubtedly, Lauryn is the epitome of beauty and talent, has she been missed or what?!

Thanks to PinBoard!

insomnia...

2010-07-20T10:34:00.001-04:00

provocative sans arrogance
handsome and confident
thoughts of you leave me restless

passion spirals outta control
once clenched by anguish
yet eternally secure with your manipulation of my heart
unlocked by the cadence of sweet intensity

you revived my desire
lying there in a deep slumber
quietly I watch your chest rise breath after breath
beckoning my lips to softly kiss…nibble…lick, I refrain

inhaling an invisible elixir of rejuvenation
exhaling the stress of a life well lived
a deep slumber only a brief respite

embracing the pillow with the security of that of my bosom
i wonder what your waking thought will be
will you crave my femininity

pre-dawn anticipation of passion awakens me
discovering solace in your control
offering a place to invigorate your strength and poise

in your dreams and under your influence i've taken hold
my walls spasm at mere thought of the love you deftly paint them with
stroke after delightful stroke a mélange of love, lust…an unbreakable union

tornado of intensity
just as I’m ready to let go...forever
innate is your way of loving me
enticing me back in like opium to an addict

..:: Monday Moxie ~ Self-Imposed Grace ::..

2010-07-19T09:09:00.000-04:00

Everybody Knows,

You can’t be all things to all people.

You can’t do all things at once.

You can’t do all things equally well.

You can’t do all things better than everyone else.

Your humanity is showing just like everyone else’s.

So,

You have to find out who you are, and be that.

You have to decide what comes first, and do that.

You have to discover your strengths, and use them.

You have to learn not to compete with others, because no one else is in the contest of “being you”.

Then,

You will have learned to accept your own uniqueness.

You will have learned to set priorities and make decisions.

You will have learned to live with your limitations.

You will have learned to give yourself the respect that is due.

And you’ll be a most vital mortal.

Dare to Believe,

That you are a wonderful, unique person.

That you are a once-in all history event.

That it’s more than a right, it’s your duty, to be who you are.

That life is not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish.

And you’ll be able to stay one up on what used to get you down.

~ Author Unknown

Lyrical Fire ~ I Forgive You ~ Rachelle Farrell

2010-07-13T10:10:00.004-04:00

This song is a timeless gem. One that soothed my soul during a period of angst and serves as a reminder that grace is serves a purpose higher than I. Forgiveness undoubtedly is the elixir to many of the issues that attempt to bind our emotions and growth.

I Forgive You ~ Rachelle Farrell

...What a freedom just releasing from my heart, from my mind and soul!

...I no longer want to hold on to that which doesn't make me strong

...I just wanna be whole again, I want to be free again, want to be me again...I just want to heal...

.:: Monday Moxie ~ Bending but Not Breaking ::.

2010-07-12T07:40:00.001-04:00

The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It’s the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun.

~ Napoleon Hill

Thought Exchange ~ Land of the Loveless

2010-07-10T18:54:00.000-04:00

If all forms of love were to cease to exist...

...what immediate impact would it have on your life?

...could you survive without it?

...would you long for it?

...what would you do to resurrect it?

sometimes...

2010-07-08T19:41:00.001-04:00

sometimes i need the same understanding and leeway i give others

sometimes i need a raincheck not pressure

sometimes i need someone to ask how i feel

sometimes i need basic consideration

sometimes i need a little lead time

sometimes i need others to realize it's not about them

sometimes i need someone to care...really care
sometimes i need to be compensated with love
sometimes i need help not more friggin' work

sometimes i need to purge emotions and fatigue

sometimes i just need....damn!

Lyrical Fire ~ Bedda at Home ~ Jilly

2010-07-06T00:26:00.002-04:00

A while back I found myself analyzing the hell out of lyrics to the point of hating to even listen to music. Funny how certain circumstances play a major role in determining which messages you embrace or dismiss/challenge at the time. My head space has improved significantly since August 2008 so belting out songs about bustin' windows and such don't have the same delusional fulfillment they used to. My heart's open again and it seems I've healed through prayer, forgiveness and introspection. These aspects of life seemed unreachable a couple of years ago. I'm still a bit cautious but not impaired by mistrust and deep resentment.

I took a long drive this afternoon to focus on something other than an expanding to-do list and stifling heat. The live performance of "Bedda at Home" was in rotation, I had to replay it a couple of times. Not only because of the vocal energy Jill pours into this song, but there are a few lyrics that remind me that love hasn't forgotten me.

The acoustic rendition is sweet too...

...he's the kind that loves my mind and feeds my soul

....his intellect and utter respect makes me wanna do my best

.....his sense of self and silliness make the hardest things the simplest

Given the plethora of lyrics out there that are certified garbage, I think this will be a series to highlight those overlooked diamonds that actually have meaning. I'd love to have guests join me in sharing the personal significance behind meaningful lyrics. Drop me a line if you're interested (via the contact button on the left).

Enjoy your week!

Coming to the Stage...Melzie Giovanni?

2010-06-25T08:11:00.001-04:00

Hey fam! This title is obviously a huge exaggeration so please pardon my ~~moment of delusion~~ twinge of excitement. I plan to present one of the ~~suicidal letters that may rhyme~~ poems I wrote a while back at an open mic event and would really appreciate your help selecting one.

Each represents something that weighed heavily on my mind at the time. A few fueled by libido, others by anguish and one that may be somewhat prophetic. You tell me, which one would work best for my first reading?

Have a fab weekend!

...:: Monday Moxie ~ Aim to be a Victor! ::...

2010-06-14T00:51:00.001-04:00

The Victor

~ C. W. Longenecker

If you think you are beaten, you are.

If you think you dare not, you don't.

If you like to win but think you can't,

It's almost a cinch you won't.

If you think you'll lose, you're lost.

For out in the world we find

Success begins with a fellow's will.

It's all in the state of mind.

If you think you are out classed, you are.

You've got to think high to rise.

You've got to be sure of yourself before

You can ever win the prize.

Life's battles don't always go

To the stronger or faster man.

But sooner or later, the man who wins

Is the man who thinks he can.

Caller, You're On The Air....But Why?

2010-06-07T10:37:00.014-04:00

"I'm 47 and dating a younger guy. He always apologizes after we make love. I'm not sure why."
"How much younger?"
"A couple of years."
"Have you asked him why?"
"No."
"Well, that's your first step. You two need to discuss this, not while in the bed, but just have an open, honest talk."

Honestly, I've been working on not passing judgment, but I couldn't let this one slide. Last Saturday morning I went out early to run a few errands. Still a tad bit sleepy from being awake late the night before, but alert enough to identify nonsense. Halfway to my first stop, I heard the exchange above while listening to a popular local radio show. My sleep-deprived attitude immediately kicked in. Yep, the one that can laugh with you one minute and get ticked off the second bullsh*t falls out someone's mouth. I reacted in frustration thinking she should know better, but on the other hand, I fully understand how easy it is to seek answers from a neutral party when we refuse to take corrective action for fear of being vulnerable. Not to mention when we want someone to agree with behavior that's full of drama and lacks maturity.

However…how can anyone tell her what's on her partner's mind but him? The things that trigger his unusual response? His insecurities, fears, etc.? Who knows? That's not why I had an issue with her decision to call in to the show though. In my opinion, the more important concern is not his odd penchant to apologize after a romp in the hay, but her acknowledging she has not attempted to ask him about it. Believe me, if she’s comfortable saying this on a popular show with thousands of listeners, her girls know even more of the nitty gritty. Yet her mate is none the wiser…? That's not right.

Sure, I understand this is not a topic anyone looks forward to discussing, but it's imperative to acknowledge that a relationship with little or no communication has a rusty knife at its throat, just waiting for one false move and it’s lights out. Fancy schmancy credentials are not required to figure out this is one of the main reasons relationships die.

Ladies, we HAVE TO, start engaging our partners in conversations. Like the show host said, not while in bed but in a comfortable setting and approached from a loving and considerate perspective. If we care enough to show and tell him our favorite mattress acrobatics, why not love enough to bring up the tough topics? We cheat ourselves out of knowledge, growth and healthy relationships by taking a passive approach. I've been guilty of discussing things with my girls rather than mention them to my interest of the moment. It took realizing there are some ~~stupid~~ less than effective things women do that are not conducive to building solid relationships. When the chips are down there’s little we can do but move on, still confused and none the wiser, simply because we chickened out.

Ladies, these are some things to consider…

* Choose conversation over confrontation.

* Resist the urge to seek feedback from others who are not known to have their own healthy relationships. Especially when you know good and well the issue requires your mate's input, not the opinion of strangers.

* Men are not mind readers, men are not mind readers, did I mention...men are not mind readers? Whew, I needed to get that off my chest! If you are afraid to approach him with your thoughts and questions, hate to tell ya, but it's not his fault. Good relationships (platonic and romantic) are built on these exchanges. Consider it a huge red flag if you're not willing or comfortable enough to open up. Love you both enough to take the extra step to share what’s on your mind and create an atmosphere of mutual understanding and openness.

* I love my girls like sisters, but guess what...? They only know what I tell them. So, if I only go to them when I'm ticked off about something my mate did/didn’t do or say they will always take the protective ride or die role. You may have already forgiven and forgotten, but your girls haven’t so don't expect them to keep listening to your gripes and have a positive impression of him.

We complain about a "shortage of good men" yet when we're in a relationship we can't talk or support him? Something’s wrong with that.

These statements are based on my observations and experiences, of course, so it would be great to hear the male perspective on this also.

A Real Life Lesson on Toxic Relationships

2010-06-02T20:00:00.000-04:00

This insensitive comment not only sparked a mean side-eye, but it also made me think how toxic relationships can surface in any of life’s various connections.

Work-related, familial, casual…you name it, any connection can fall into this category. BP has provided a real life example of toxic connection traits…

~ take up residence in your space, profit off of you and leave you to foot the bill if anything goes awry

~ are quick to blame others and slow to admit fault (if ever)

~ disregard or minimize the burden they've placed on you

~ say things like "I'd like my life back" when you demand they act responsibly

~ refuse to see your side of the situation

~ see little or no value in your livelihood

~ can't understand why you're complaining because they're so wrapped up in their own bottom line

~ cost you money, time and heartache

~ are often deceitful, tell half-truths and give half-hearted apologies

~ do not take other’s thoughts or safety into account

~ have a sense of entitlement and believe they're above reproach

~ think they have all the answers, even though they're the reason things are going down the tube

~ leave a trail of confusion, destruction and disappointment

~ make unwise, detrimental decisions with little or no concern about the outcome

…and the list could go on, but you get my drift. Just something to think about…