Why I’ve Chosen Not To Give A Damn About Interracial Relationships

Over the past few years I’ve found it a better use of my time to assess situations from the standpoint of asking how it affects MY life. This applies both personally and professionally…getting caught up in the weeds is not my thing. If there’s no direct impact then I use that internal space to embrace or deal with something that does, like my own desires and experiences. I came to this cut and dried approach when I realized how much valuable energy I wasted on getting in a huff about ish that didn’t have anything to do with me. Having an opinion about something is one thing, but when it becomes an active internal protest it is a waste of time. If I’m offended every time someone does something that is against what I feel is best or makes choices that differ from what I would’ve that’s a source of extreme exhaustion for me. 

This brings me to the topic of interracial (IR) dating and marriage. Undoubtedly, this is a complex issue given history, the ever-increasing misogyny of black women and a host of other problems that remain open wounds and need to be addressed...just not here. Figuring this out is not something I want or have time to tackle, but what I will say is that my opinion won’t change or fix anything that seems broken with black relationships in general. Throw in the disdain for IR relationships and you have quite the cauldron of hot topics. One that really only directly affects a small slice of society yet looms large in the minds of those who disagree with it.

Perhaps it’s because I don’t see the choices of others as a personal attack. Seeing an IR couple doesn’t cause any anger to rise in me. Admittedly, this has not always been the case. It wasn’t until I seriously considered why this would evoke a personal emotional response did I realize what a waste of time it is. Not to mention, a somewhat two-faced reaction given the diversity of my family and friends.

Jill Scott caused a stir and labeled as bitter and racist a couple of months ago when she shared her thoughts on IR dating in Essence and during a CNN interview.

Sidenote…I don’t read Essence much but do they feature stories about black love and relationship-building these days? Just wondering. The state of interpersonal black relationships disturbs me and is in need of serious resuscitation, but is one worthy of its own post.

You can form your own opinion about Jill's thoughts on the issue so my two cents will be brief. I'm well aware of the way in which personal experiences shape our opinions. I agree with her about the sting of history and being overlooked as black women whose intentions are to love, but are often seen as overbearing, too picky and insert your favorite adjective here. However, I refuse to allow this to lessen my love for black men. Those who feel this way are obviously not worthy of my attention, concern or ardor anyway. Love is just that…if you love someone for who they are, that’s cool. It can't be called love if it’s based on the hue of one’s skin, plain and simple.

What does tick me off is black men who date/marry white women as some impotent statement about their disgust of black women. The thought that some black men feel black women are "too hard" on them, always angry or require too much says something about them not us. I don’t have time for a history lesson, but the truth is that any brotha who finds it easier to deflect his shortcomings on black women should feel free to keep it moving. The truth is that the issue is much deeper than it appears and is often one of inadequacy rather than anything remotely valid. A quandary that can be repaired by taking an honest, insightful look at oneself first.

Oh, I forgot to mention the what spurred this post. We rarely hear what white women think about this, so a guest post on Max’s site was enlightening yet confusing but again, who am I to say. Check out "Max, I am a white woman who dates Black men, but I absolutely abhor other white women who do the same. What do you think about that?".