To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee.
~ William H. Walton
I made a statement the other day only to later realize that it’s not 100% factual. It involves this tweet and an IM from BJ.
I'd like to think I don’t hold grudges, but I’m not stupid either. How do you allow someone who hurt you back in your life without a trial “worthiness period”? Perhaps that’s being something less than forgiving, so be it, but I can’t allow myself to give freely again and have my feelings equated to nothing more than putty. Only a foolish person would do that.
I thank God every day for the wonderful people I’ve met and self-discoveries I’ve made as a result of that episode, but the truth remains….I want to know why. Is that too much to ask from someone you’ve known for 13 years?
If I’m true to myself...
...I’d admit that I want an apology for causing me to plunge into a deep abyss of doubt and regret.
...I’ll fully embrace the significant value of the great personal connections God has showered me with and let the BJ episode be a life lesson…nothing more, nothing less.
...I’ll acknowledge that my need to have some amount of control over what happens to me has led me to be incredibly selfish with opening even the smallest crevice of contact with him.
...I'd admit ignoring him is not mature, but it’s what serves my best interests at this time.
[insert Rhianna disclaimer here]
...I can’t say what the future holds; maybe bygones will be just that.
At this point, I can pick up the phone and ask without any twinge of emotions hazing my clarity. Removing my emotional heart from it took a while and was well worth it, yet my logical heart still wonders why. My loving heart has been repaired; my logical heart desperately wants to avoid making the same mistake again.
So, with all that said, what’s the right thing to do…? Throw away a 13 year friendship or confront him? At this point, I don't think it's worth the investment because I'm growing weary with this nonsense. Decisions, decisions...
Other posts in this series
...I’d admit that I want an apology for causing me to plunge into a deep abyss of doubt and regret.
...I’ll fully embrace the significant value of the great personal connections God has showered me with and let the BJ episode be a life lesson…nothing more, nothing less.
...I’ll acknowledge that my need to have some amount of control over what happens to me has led me to be incredibly selfish with opening even the smallest crevice of contact with him.
...I'd admit ignoring him is not mature, but it’s what serves my best interests at this time.
...I can’t say what the future holds; maybe bygones will be just that.
At this point, I can pick up the phone and ask without any twinge of emotions hazing my clarity. Removing my emotional heart from it took a while and was well worth it, yet my logical heart still wonders why. My loving heart has been repaired; my logical heart desperately wants to avoid making the same mistake again.
So, with all that said, what’s the right thing to do…? Throw away a 13 year friendship or confront him? At this point, I don't think it's worth the investment because I'm growing weary with this nonsense. Decisions, decisions...
Other posts in this series
18 points of view:
I wish I knew what to tell you. I've been fighting a losing battle with grudges for a while now. I'm so quick to chuck up the deuces and never look back -- but I've found that learning to forgive and move on is probably best. It's just not that easy for me.
As for the 13 year friendship - if you can think of good reasons to revive the friendship, then do it. But if you're holding just because it's been 13 years then maybe you should let it go -- "time" and "old feelings" doesn't a great friendship make. *shrugs* but what do i know? lol
its a difficult decision tomake. but you have to make it on your own. go with your intuition. i've learned that advice and overanalysis fail you much more than intuition.
holding grudges can eat away at you like a cancer. time heals all wounds so they say. it is so easy to just cut a ninja off & keep it moving. i am THANKFUL for all the "scrubs" that contributed to the person I am today. That which does not kill us, makes us stronger. The trials I experienced in a TOXIC romantic relationship led me to a point in my life where I was more open to receiving the truth of God's Word. Yes, it still stings when I see this nut. & Yes, I've seen him 3x since the terrible breakup over 20 years ago. However, God has blessed me more abundantly than I could ever have imagined. I'm married now to a man who loves me as much, if not more than I love him. Had I NOT experienced the short end of the stick many moons ago, I might not have appreciated the full value of my intelligent, compassionate, unselfish mate. One of the greatest gifts we can give another person is forgiveness. I would NOT be able to do that in my own strength. I truly believe that forgiving the other person, not only relieves their guilt in some way, but it FREES us from the shackles of cherishing resentment. I wish you much success in your situation. Not knowing all the details...:O) HTH.
If some one puts his hand in the fire and gets burned leading to that person to say "you know what if I keep doing this I am going to keep getting burned so maybe I should stop".
Is that holding a grudge?
If your coming across some one who is doing the same BS over and over again why would you deal with them?
To me thats not holding a grudge thats being smart.
ooh i'm loving the new look!
loving the new look, I agree with Clnmike, holding a grudge means you still have ative emotions over that person whether its anger hate or whatever its not healthy however you dont have to forget jus forgive and stay the hell away from his ass
Sometimes I think it may be healthier for person to hold grudges. My problem is that I never hold grudges and continue to allow people to "hang around" in my life, just because I'm too nice to ignore!
Confront Him...You need ,for want of a better word,Closure.I sense that. Am I right?
@Selah ~ you're right time and old feelings don't mean much if they don't amount to anything in the present.
@Young woman on a journey ~ I usually heavily rely on my intuition which is funny because I don't have any inkling at the time, I guess I really have removed my feelings from this thing.
@1xellus1 ~ Thanks so much for the comments you left on the other posts :-). I totally agree, unforgiveness does eat away at you if you allow it to. I'm finding the good thing in the seemingly difficult situations these days like you mentioned, which makes everything much easier than before.
@clnmike ~ Point taken, my friend :-)
@vixenchick ~ Thanks, suga!
@Miss Definitely Maybe ~ Girl, you always make laugh along with some good advice.
@SaneAndSingle ~ Hey, my love! It's a fine line...lol
@Keith ~ I know you're tired of hearing about this...rofl!
Man, i just recently let someone back again in my life...so i understand...but i'm not sure it was a wise decision at all, thus my post "you keep running in and out of my life". He seems to know all the right buttons to push...now i've got to be strong enough to walk away, to forgive and in time forget. So I feel you sister...and @clnmike-it's hard to do, but it is the best thing to do.
I had a situation with someone that lasted 5 years, it just now dissolved in a very messy and melodramatic way...the one thing I learned is...for the most part people dont change or at the very least they dont change with you....I guess what I'm saying is if he has a pattern of doing the same thing over and over again, there is no point in allowing him back into your life... some people are only around for a season not a lifetime...
P.S. those simple little IM's is how my ex would find a way in but once he got in it was the same old thing and some times ten times worse
Another excellent and thought-provoking post!
*I scanned so excuse repetition*
Someone said something about years not equating a friendship...to that I agree. Longevity isn't indicative of strength...it's an indicator of length. That's it. Also, you can't be the only one putting meaning to those 13 yrs. That didn't stop them from being purposely inaccessible...so why should you be openly compliant?
You have every right to shield your sensibilities. Sometimes forgiveness has nothing to do with 2nd chances...so, I think you should speak to him, even if only for your own good and betterment...but, that doesn't mean you must welcome him back into your life. Just do yourself a favor and do NOT ignore him in order to prove the point you can, because you may regret that later down the road when you're wishing you'd had the chance to say what you needed. Get it over with and get closure...but, only if you're ready.
@Mizrepresent & Anonymous ~ yep, I wish I truly understood why there are some connections that seem to linger when we know it's repetitive...almost a habit.
@The SagaciousGirl ~ Thanks chica!
@Da_Kween ~ volumes... ;-)
Question: If a year has gone by and neither party has reached out to make amends...is it even called a friendship anymore?
I don't hold grudges. However, sometimes [not always] you can't go back to what it was...it has to evolve into something else that works for both of us on this new level.
Here are some (common) quotations that someties reaffirm wise decision-making tactics in my mind-
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
"To err is human, to forgive is divine."
Lesson: Do forgive. Nevertheless, do learn whatever substantial lesson(s) existed within the experience. And apply any gained wisdom to future experiences.
Doing these things properly is not begrudging. It is wise judgement.
I hope the best for you and that you will be wise.
O.F.C.J.
Ok. You wanted more peeps to peep out this entry... so I did. And now that I did, I better understand the more recent 'cold' post.
Cold & careful are very different animals. You're careful. It's wise to be.
I don't hold grudges either, but I'll very definitey deem some people (who, by misfortunate experience)as dubious. Dubious people, will, w/out exception, get the patented *gasface* from me (remember that expression?).
Dubious have their place & their rest to exist. But I don't like them. I don't hate them either. But I strongly dislike them & when I dislike someone they cease to exist in my life & my lexicon.
So, yes, I DO smell you & exactly where you're coming from. Consider yourself smelt on this one, MaMa.
One.
Yep, I hear ya, Lin. I find myself describing my feelings as indifferent a great deal these days. Careful is definitely in my best interest because I know how extreme I can be.
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