Therapy's In Session ~ Why not me?

I could start by saying that men are jerks but that’s not accurate. Let me state for the cyber record ... I LOVE MEN!

I could assume that I’m intimidating but I think any man with an ounce of self confidence wouldn’t run away simply because I’m college educated, independent, have a corporate job, house and car...blah...blah...blah. You've heard it all before but what about me?

Refusing to believe it's God's plan for me to be alone for the rest of my life, I still have faith during this drought and time of uncertainty. However, I do wonder if past beaus ever took time to consider that I…

~ will love and, above all, respect him
...even when things aren’t “perfect”

~ won’t dump my issues/problems on him all the time
...that's what girlfriends are for...

~ am trustworthy
...I won’t sleep with his best friend no matter how hunkalicious he may be

~ am caring and affectionate but not clingy and don’t need to cuddle after a passionate session
...if he puts it down I'll be out like a light anyway

~ don’t mind him spending time with the boys
...as long as no one involved has a name like Bunny, Trixie or Bambi

~ won’t bother him during game time
...because I may be a bigger sports fan than he is (go 'Skins!)

~ enjoy stroking his ego
...among other things

~ be his bedroom ballet dancer
...because I like shaking my groove thing and do it well

~ am a lady in the streets
...and a … well, you know the rest

~ will let him have his quiet time
...because I need mine too

~ have a knack for encouraging him to follow his dreams and desires
...that's an added bonus for everyone I know

~ can impress his momma, get along with his sisters and make his friends laugh
...otherwise I know I'll get kicked to the curb

~ don’t mind standing over a hot stove to cook his favorite meal AND will serve him the “golden cookie” when, where and how he likes it

This is the short list but you get my drift.

By no means am I perfect but what does all this mean? Have I shortchanged myself by being "picky"? Not sure when expecting my mate to have a j-o-b fell into the picky category...but I digress.

To be honest, I was content being single for a good two years or so. Along comes an old friend, BJ. We've had a platonic relationship for more than ten years (with the exception of a lapse in judgment after my mom passed away but that's a long story...nearly blissful "outercourse" but a few more minutes of that and I'd have his last name now...anyhoo). There was always something that kept me from moving forward with him. I've always loved and cared about him (he was my fake boyfriend for a while...whether he knows it or not). Something inside me awakened when we saw each other earlier this year after a 3 year gap. I can only attribute it to testosterone, the comfort/familiarity factor and downright lust. I was smitten! What the hell? It almost felt incestuous...lol. Fast forward. In a matter of three months we went from friends to him mentioning us moving to the next level (what ever that means...) to him dropping off the face of this hemisphere. Can't sugarcoat it...that sh*t hurt my feelings! Why not simply say "I'm not interested"? That "maybe she'll get the hint if I don't call" ploy is tired, small-minded and immature. Occasionally I do a supermodel turn in the mirror, wink at myself and say aloud "how could he not want all this loveliness? His loss!" Do I believe it? Most of the time. Then I rewind my mental DVD to the times I said the wrong thing or didn't pick up on one of his cues. That's unproductive and depressing so I try not to head down Regret Road too often. I plan to ask him about this but don't expect some profound, emotion-repairing response. Admittedly, this sudden distance has changed my feelings. Don't get me wrong, if he was hit by a speeding black Nissan with Maryland license plates I'd be by his hospital bedside in two shakes of a stick (or before they catch me...).

Honestly, I just miss my friend. Shame on you for not being honest, BJ!

I need answers but this session is over for now...time for me to reflect on a few things...

Reminder to self -- I love hard...but I'm not hard to love...