notes to a love: mending

 i'll set you free 
though you were only bound by words 

me, the dreamer 
you, the realist 

i wanted to receive you in an uninhibited, desirous way 
my heart pleads for relief yet the longing remains 

if the passage of time fails to heal 
right or wrong, i don't have answers 

years of careless pain placed on you 
yet i pay the price

i keep a space with your initials engraved on it
it's no secret, but only you know the combination 

praying the passing of time releases me from the lingering what ifs 
beyond faults, blame and shortcomings

can our souls shift back to a rhythm known only to you and i?

Notes to a Love ~ Locked

I can't deny, I felt you in a foreign way. The way it's said soul mates enter your world ~ an unexpected, indescribable calmness.

I saw you in me from an intimate standpoint. Just a taste would satisfy my curiosity. A sincere invitation to succumb to a feminine elixir that heals with depths of complex love, emotions on display and unashamed. I was open to you and only you.

My commonsense was overtaken by the power of pheromones. Immediately, I was unarmed. Breathing deeply...getting high on your charm, wit, attractiveness, cerebral nature, courageousness, unshakeable manhood to be witnessed and admired.

I was a shy little girl all over again.

Wrapped by your grip, peripheral visions of you injecting every inch of promises, hopes, dreams back into my life. I surrendered to your strength, dominance and masculinity. I trusted you.

My feelings for you, premature at best...exceeded reality, yes.

Censored by the fear of somehow being caught up in the unconcealed side of you. Attracted to your core fire, yet I saw you in need of a life-altering love. 

Without the walls down, we can't fuck the debris out the way. Yet I still beckoned you to enter and strike out every wrong. Accessing all angles and depths of every reachable millimeter.

Penetrate me...I thought

Bricks fell one by one.


I sought what you had to give not knowing it was tightly tied. Invisibly bound to past hurts, disappointments and heartbreak. Guarded by an intricate self-created knot of resistance. No amount of affection, connection or French kisses could dissolve the ties without your consent. So, the job was left incomplete. An unsigned contract.

I now know the wall was simply too high to reach and experience with any semblance of love. Perhaps the effort to build it is the same effort required to destroy it. You could afford but wouldn't consider paying the price.

Growing weary, leery and disenchanted, darkness fell over me despite the warm sunrise of acknowledgement. Uncovering reality and remnants of a failed attempt to create love out of broken pieces.

All I can think is...did he lock the door?...


Comes The Dawn ~ Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference 

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul. 

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning 

And company doesn’t mean security. 

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts 

And presents aren’t promises. 

And you begin to accept your defeats 

With your head up and your eyes open 

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. 

And you learn to build all your roads on today, 

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. 

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. 

After a while you learn 

That even sunshine burns if you get too much. 

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, 

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. 

And you learn that you really can endure... 

That you really are strong, 

And you really do have worth. 

And you learn and learn... 

With every goodbye you learn.

Notes to a Love: Familiar Seas - I'm Standing on Your Shore

I've taken a sincere deep interest in very few. After a couple near-misses I realized the cons in doing so can lead to insightful disappointment.

Perhaps some would simply call it a life lesson. Meaning the risk in attempting to peel back layers of years of emotional debris is one you can't prepare for. So your intention of diving in must be as pure as humanly possible.

Each fragile vessel is different...

Some are rusted from neglect of body, mind and spirit.

Some tattered and torn from trying to hold it together during the good and bad.

Some have been twisted into a shape brought on by years of secret pain.

One could argue this is more so a result of deep-seated distrust, yet I tend to think there's a higher degree of insecurity swirling around. Coloring the esteem with an outward appearance of confidence that screams "See me! I'm worthy...right?"

The "danger" in loving, or merely caring about, this person is the thin line that any words uttered, actions taken...or not...can lead to misunderstanding. But, the kicker is, it's NEVER their fault. And, depending on where they are in life, you may bear the brunt of loves past, present and future. Yes, all wrapped in a twisted heap with hope of a breakthrough that's never wise to bet on.
You shouldn't have cared about them in the first place.

You shouldn't have assumed anything, because if they don't acknowledge it, it didn't happen and you're the bad guy.

You should process your emotions like they do...based on the "threat level." While you both know the only real threat is feeling something other than lust. A connection, kismet, friendship, more or less may be enough to send the vulnerability task force into full action. Defending every possible breach of their heart, mind or soul.

You should've known their pain was private, yet their innermost yearning is to have someone....only find relief in. Not an empty physical relief. Not a superficial tug and pull that never reaches a depth of meaningfulness.

The one who understands, appreciates, respects and nurtures an individual's soul. The one whose calling is to listen, empathize and be mindfully present in the midst of a tornado of self-doubt, complacency and going through the motions.

At the heart of all this, when an exit seems more wise than staying put, there's always an occasional wave of perfection that whispers "be patient".

Notes to a Love: How Things Appear

Those who know you wonder why. Puzzled that I'd allow you to live in my mind for free. That's not only untrue, but opinions are irrelevant. It was a comfy nook in my heart you took up residence in -- intentional or not -- I wanted and welcomed you there.

Surely, they understand how your charisma wins over others. What they don't know, and is nearly impossible to explain, is how you won me over. I'll admit that the first time we met I was totally caught off guard. Disarming me is not always easy, so I was stunned to feel a kismet. Oddly feeling that we'd met before yet total strangers in a physical sense. Maybe so much time had passed since I last felt the freedom to be the feminine, sensual being I am. Your presence blankets me in safety, comfort and genuineness. I needed that relief, but hadn't expected to immediately love you like I did.
On the flip side, most don't know the man I know. The one who's easily hurt. The one whose outward appearance screams success, confidence and fortitude. Yet, this same man self-identifies as a "difficult" person to deal with. Others have no idea we have a great deal in common outside of the obvious. You see, I'm a maze-making saboteur also. An agile runner from the emotions that pour over me like rich, hot caramel mixing with ice cream. I slip to the side, hoping you'll crave enough to be spoon fed instead of devouring without experiencing the sweet decadence of possibility. And, by the time you think you're ready to push away the last portion...there I am...the perfect last taste.

Word Play: If Only....When and Where It Fits

Source: Grammarly

This got me thinking about how such a seemingly simple word
- only -
can vividly describe various forms of a personal connection.

It's placement, and more importantly, intent emphasizes or minimizes the importance.


She told him that she only loved him...

 She told him that she loved him only...

She only told him that she loved him...

Only she told him that she loved him...


So miss him. 

Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. 

You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of him because then you’ll be really alone, and you’re scared to death of what will happen if you’re really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. 

And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using that boy to block that door. 

Let it go. 

Eat, Pray, Love ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Is There Shame In My Game?

 Your lack of readiness is an illusion communicated by shame-ridden parts of you that will forever have you believing that you have to take a few more steps until your real life begins. It’s an illusion of epic proportions. Get to it, brilliant being. There is no need to procrastinate the gateway to wholeness—it stands before you with your name on it. The world is ready for what you have to offer. No time like the presence.

As much as I try to convince myself that I'm fully ready to accept another into my life, the truth is there's some residue dating back years that could interfere. Allowing it to hold me back from fullness of life and love doesn't make sense. The days are fleeting, it's now or never.