Other Side of the Game

You lost a damn good friend, asshole.

We both knew we were on two different personal paths, so why did you want me to play friends with you? 


Funny thing is that I was fine, living, growing and getting to know a new me. Not really thinking too much about meeting someone I'd hold in high esteem. Then came you. All wonderfully and handsomely made on the outside and fucked up inside.
 
Obviously, the luster of newness wore off quite a while ago. The reasons are unimportant, but they were mere specks compared to what I didn't see coming. 

The invisible mass that is my intuition tried to get my attention, to shake the stupid out of me. How could I doubt my most sacred gift? Easily, I self-diagnosed the intuitive and apparent flags as fear on my part. Why drag the residuals of past heartaches along?, I thought. 

Admittedly, I slipped up and began liking you more than was healthy or wise. I actually started genuinely giving a fuck. I made a conscious decision to be vulnerable, it was a new thing for me, but I was open to it -- how silly. 

I'm an intuitive bitch, so how I could have been so naive is easy for me to explain and it can be summed up in two words - trust and denial.

I never expect perfection. There was no reason for dishonesty. We were never on "that" level. Which, in hindsight, most likely was your plan in the first place. 

I never asked you for more than you could reasonably give. I guess even that was too much. 

Funny thing is that you want people to understand you, yet you don't make those sides of you available. I understood you to a degree. Despite the bravado, charm and wit - the seemingly hidden characteristics align with how you treated me. 

...[what I now know were] empty words, an allergy to the truth, claims to "never" do me wrong...remember? 

After I found out about the deception, I'll admit it hurt like hell, but it did in an unfamiliar way. Like I was cutoff without reason other than easy averages.

How fucking disrespectful of you.

Didn't think I'd find out some of the stuff, huh? The lie - now that I know, looking back, that shit is funny with a heaping tablespoon of sad now. 

How and why you felt it necessary to be less than forthcoming says a great deal about your character. Why I'd think you'd treat me with more respect than the other disposable women you've left behind is beyond me.

I felt like I became your enemy, but why? 

Remember, you approached me. I may have "dreamt" of someone who reminded me of you, but never did it end up with me feeling majorly disrespected so this shit really stung. Not because you found "love", but because you didn't have to the decency to say anything when we last spoke. You knew then what you planned to do, why not follow up to say anything? It wasn't serious so why the silence and aloof disappearing act? And, I trusted you of all people. SMDH 

Despite the tired excuses, I knew months ago that your sliding away was a precursor to the end of our "friendship". Not to mention I tucked away warnings to retreat, I didn't think a "friend"...no, I didn't think YOU would discard our "friendship" without so much as a "fuck you". So the sad attempts to play clueless made me sick to my stomach. 

I guess you weren't expecting me to NOT be mesmerized enough by you to put aside my self promise not to hand out pieces of me anymore. To willingly offer my most intimate parts when I know there's no hope for a lasting connection. That's not my M.O. 

I have an ego too, and don't have a reason to chase or succumb to a path I'm not interested in paving. Yet all the intuition in the world didn't stop me from trusting you and your "sincerity". Now that I know it was empty, my heart aches. 

I did, foolishly, think I saw a side others didn't. I recognized and believed in your potential to do amazing things, and your determination to make them happen. Unwavering supported and encouraged you to pursue your gifting, but that's not what you wanted. 

I also saw beyond the shades of self-protection. Yet you probably spread that side throughout many lives. Never quite lying, but never completely honest. I now know there's a boulder of insecurity dragging behind you. 

And, I saw your core, but ignored what was visible. The part of us that drives us to overlook the obvious painful potential of things to come. 

You pretended to care, yet when I needed you the most...well, I won't revisit that now but I know I'll never forget. 
 
Funny thing is that you think you've grown and matured. GTFOH. That requires being straightforward about your intentions. In my world, omissions and anything less than the truth is deceptive. Looking back paints a pretty sad picture of me, but I chose to believe in the declarations of being a changed man. 

I took a chance to express something I realized only to have it cowardly dismissed. You didn't save me any hurt feelings, I'm mature enough to handle the truth. 

For some reason, your ghosts are still haunting you. Your true security will not be fully realized until you rid yourself of them. 

I pray...no, I just hope...she's someone who has the patience, understanding and knowledge to help you heal. You're definitely better off with someone on your current level of allowing - someone who is ok with accessing only part of you.

It's as if I've never known you, but the truth is we didn't know each other and that was by choice. When the sting wore off so quickly I realized this. 

How I grieved the end of a friendship for a couple of days is beyond me. In retrospect, we never had a friendship. And, make no mistake about it...that hurt.

Friendship aside, all these years of nearly daily contact, when you decided to cut it off you couldn't even be a man about it. SMDH

Now, I'll go restore what's left of my ability to trust.



Love & Loss ~ Rupi Kaur



notes to a love: mending

 i'll set you free 
though you were only bound by words 

me, the dreamer 
you, the realist 

i wanted to receive you in an uninhibited, desirous way 
my heart pleads for relief yet the longing remains 

if the passage of time fails to heal 
right or wrong, i don't have answers 

years of careless pain placed on you 
yet i pay the price

i keep a space with your initials engraved on it
it's no secret, but only you know the combination 

praying the passing of time releases me from the lingering what ifs 
beyond faults, blame and shortcomings

can our souls shift back to a rhythm known only to you and i?

Notes to a Love ~ Locked



I can't deny, I felt you in a foreign way. The way it's said soul mates enter your world ~ an unexpected, indescribable calmness.

I saw you in me from an intimate standpoint. Just a taste would satisfy my curiosity. A sincere invitation to succumb to a feminine elixir that heals with depths of complex love, emotions on display and unashamed. I was open to you and only you.

My commonsense was overtaken by the power of pheromones. Immediately, I was unarmed. Breathing deeply...getting high on your charm, wit, attractiveness, cerebral nature, courageousness, attentiveness...an unshakeable manhood to be witnessed and admired.

I was a shy little girl all over again.

Wrapped by your grip, peripheral visions of you injecting every inch of promises, hopes, dreams back into my life. I surrendered to your strength, dominance and masculinity. I trusted you.

My feelings for you, premature at best...exceeded reality, yes.

Censored by the fear of somehow being caught up in the unconcealed side of you. Attracted to your core fire, yet I saw you in me...deep...solemn...in need of a life-altering love. 

Without the walls down, we can't fuck the debris out the way. Yet I still beckoned you to enter and strike out every wrong. Accessing all angles and depths of every reachable millimeter.

Penetrate me...I thought

Bricks fell one by one.

 ...Fear
Abandonment...
...Unworthiness
Shortcomings...

I sought what you had to give not knowing it was tightly tied. Invisibly bound to past hurts, disappointments and heartbreak. Guarded by an intricate self-created knot of resistance. No amount of affection, connection or French kisses could dissolve the ties without your consent. So, the job was left incomplete. An unsigned contract.

I now know the wall was simply too high to reach and experience with any semblance of love. Perhaps the effort to build it is the same effort required to destroy it. You could afford but wouldn't consider paying the price.

Growing weary, leery and disenchanted, darkness fell over me despite the warm sunrise of acknowledgement. Uncovering reality and remnants of a failed attempt to create love out of broken pieces.

All I can think is...did he lock the door?...

Damn.

Comes The Dawn ~ Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference 

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul. 

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning 

And company doesn’t mean security. 

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts 

And presents aren’t promises. 

And you begin to accept your defeats 

With your head up and your eyes open 

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. 

And you learn to build all your roads on today, 

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. 

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. 

After a while you learn 

That even sunshine burns if you get too much. 

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, 

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. 

And you learn that you really can endure... 

That you really are strong, 

And you really do have worth. 

And you learn and learn... 

With every goodbye you learn.

Notes to a Love: Familiar Seas - I'm Standing on Your Shore

I've taken a sincere deep interest in very few. After a couple near-misses I realized the cons in doing so can lead to insightful disappointment.

Perhaps some would simply call it a life lesson. Meaning the risk in attempting to peel back layers of years of emotional debris is one you can't prepare for. So your intention of diving in must be as pure as humanly possible.

Each fragile vessel is different...

Some are rusted from neglect of body, mind and spirit.

Some tattered and torn from trying to hold it together during the good and bad.

Some have been twisted into a shape brought on by years of secret pain.

One could argue this is more so a result of deep-seated distrust, yet I tend to think there's a higher degree of insecurity swirling around. Coloring the esteem with an outward appearance of confidence that screams "See me! I'm worthy...right?"

The "danger" in loving, or merely caring about, this person is the thin line that any words uttered, actions taken...or not...can lead to misunderstanding. But, the kicker is, it's NEVER their fault. And, depending on where they are in life, you may bear the brunt of loves past, present and future. Yes, all wrapped in a twisted heap with hope of a breakthrough that's never wise to bet on.
 
You shouldn't have cared about them in the first place.

You shouldn't have assumed anything, because if they don't acknowledge it, it didn't happen and you're the bad guy.

You should process your emotions like they do...based on the "threat level." While you both know the only real threat is feeling something other than lust. A connection, kismet, friendship, more or less may be enough to send the vulnerability task force into full action. Defending every possible breach of their heart, mind or soul.

You should've known their pain was private, yet their innermost yearning is to have someone....only one....to find relief in. Not an empty physical relief. Not a superficial tug and pull that never reaches a depth of meaningfulness.

The one who understands, appreciates, respects and nurtures an individual's soul. The one whose calling is to listen, empathize and be mindfully present in the midst of a tornado of self-doubt, complacency and going through the motions.

At the heart of all this, when an exit seems more wise than staying put, there's always an occasional wave of perfection that whispers "be patient".

Notes to a Love: How Things Appear

Those who know you wonder why. Puzzled that I'd allow you to live in my mind for free. That's not only untrue, but opinions are irrelevant. It was a comfy nook in my heart you took up residence in -- intentional or not -- I wanted and welcomed you there.

Surely, they understand how your charisma wins over others. What they don't know, and is nearly impossible to explain, is how you won me over. I'll admit that the first time we met I was totally caught off guard. Disarming me is not always easy, so I was stunned to feel a kismet. Oddly feeling that we'd met before yet total strangers in a physical sense. Maybe so much time had passed since I last felt the freedom to be the feminine, sensual being I am. Your presence blankets me in safety, comfort and genuineness. I needed that relief, but hadn't expected to immediately love you like I did.
 
On the flip side, most don't know the man I know. The one who's easily hurt. The one whose outward appearance screams success, confidence and fortitude. Yet, this same man self-identifies as a "difficult" person to deal with. Others have no idea we have a great deal in common outside of the obvious. You see, I'm a maze-making saboteur also. An agile runner from the emotions that pour over me like rich, hot caramel mixing with ice cream. I slip to the side, hoping you'll crave enough to be spoon fed instead of devouring without experiencing the sweet decadence of possibility. And, by the time you think you're ready to push away the last portion...there I am...the perfect last taste.


Word Play: If Only....When and Where It Fits


Source: Grammarly

This got me thinking about how such a seemingly simple word
- only -
can vividly describe various forms of a personal connection.


It's placement, and more importantly, intent emphasizes or minimizes the importance.

~*~*~*~*~*~

She told him that she only loved him...

 She told him that she loved him only...

She only told him that she loved him...

Only she told him that she loved him...